Nine months ago I heard the Lord calling me into my season of greater. I mistakenly was quick to order my party dress and dancing shoes, when in fact on most days I have found myself wearing sackcloth or mourning garments. I failed to remember that becoming acquainted with the sufferings of Christ is part of the deal when you ask for more.
A little background on me: I was raised by two broken parents who did their very best. Satan was at work, all the days of my life, trying to convince me to buy the lie that I am not seen, heard, valued or loved. Because if I were, then ______ (insert name) would not be doing this or they would be doing that. My needs would be getting me if I was loved better by _____ (insert name.)
The enemy’s early assignment for me was to separate me from the herd (aka, family and friends) and get me to rebel; figuring out life on my own because nobody is trustworthy. If the ones who said they loved me, who know better but never did, hurt me, how much easier will it be for those who don’t know better and say they love me to hurt me? I had made up my mind at an early age I would figure out love for myself.
Satan turned me into a really good shoulder. I know how to should on people like nobody else. And shoulders tend to create the reality they fear the most. For me, the fear of not being loved made it hard to love me though all I ever wanted was love. I lived inside my fortress of fear.
On Christmas night, I received the call from my father that my mother was in the hospital. I was shocked and yet not surprised. The night before, on Christmas Eve, I was very aware of just how much pain she was experiencing. If it’s possible to measure someone’s pain by the amount of heat their presence puts off, then sitting next to my mom felt like sitting next to an iron furnace. Her pain was palpable. My mom, Yvonne (Bonnie to her family) has never been one to complain. At all cost, she sucks it up and refuses to be a victim. Dealing with and managing her pain, whether it be physical, mental or emotional, is her learned way. At sixty-seven years of age, she is a maestro at managing her pain.
Little did I know that my mom was in so much pain she could barely walk. Every step she took felt like somebody was cutting her legs with a knife. She finally couldn’t take it anymore. On Christmas day, she waved her white flag and surrendered. She agreed to go to the hospital in hopes to get something to help her manage the pain.
“They want to keep your mom for the night to run some tests. They are concerned about the amount of fluid she is retaining,” said my father.
Against my mom’s wishes to be on her way with a pain management plan, the doctors were refusing to let her go. Her blood pressure was 220/160. (As I have always said, real health is a measurement of what’s going on, on the inside. Having high blood pressure is a good indicator that something is not right. Measuring the outside of our bodies can never be a trusted health barometer for real wellness and doing so never leads to freedom.)
“Mrs. Amador. If you go home tonight, with that blood pressure, you could die.”
Turns out that the fear of God (the author of life and death) is still the beginning of wisdom and knowledge. Thank God for the wisdom of God, entrusted to these doctors that forced my mom to refuse to flee.
Over the next few days, a battery of tests was run. My mother became a human pin cushion while over 40 pounds of fluid was released from her body. In the midst of her pain and our confusion as to what was going on, the Lord began to move. For years, friends, I have prayed for the Lord to do a resurrecting work in our family. To say my family life with my parents has been a dry, wasteland, is an understatement. What satan can divide he can dominate. While we were all busy, running from one another, managing our pain, satan was taking over more and more ground. But God…
There is something about seeing a loved one in a hospital gown, hooked to tubes that awakens your heart to love. I thought this to be true in theory, but now it was real. This sickness, whatever is was, was threatening to steal, kill and destroy my mom. I didn’t want to lose my mama. No matter how busted up she is, she is my mama. God has softened my heart over the years so he could tell me, if it were not for her pain, I would not be the woman I am today, nor would this ministry even exist. Revelation Wellness® was birthed from my broken heart—a heart that wanted to believe that pain management is not what Jesus came to give me. I knew that Jesus was offering me more. Revelation Wellness was birthed from my broken and desperate search to find the more! If it weren’t for my awareness of my mom’s less than places (the places I should on her), I might not have been invited by God to peek into and participate in His more.
Waiting for a diagnosis.
On December 28th, my daughter Sophia’s birthday, we got the diagnosis call. The reports were in…my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer.
Enter the sound of my heart crashing into a million pieces.
Cancer? Cancer was not even up for consideration as to why my mom might be in the hospital. Heart disease, diabetes, things of this nature that seem to run in our family, sure. But cancer? Cancer wasn’t even on the table. But now, there it was, stinking up the entire room.
As I listened to my father on the phone, I had a firefighters urge to get to her. I asked my daughter if she was okay with me leaving her on her birthday to go to her Nana’s hospital bedside. With a heavy heart, she agreed. So I went, fast.
As I turned the corner into my mom’s hospital room, we locked eyes, and our faces fell. We looked at each other as if we were two people who had not seen each others in years. Suddenly I saw her, and she could see me. Sin has a crafty way of keeping us from seeing another person’s sincere heart and real beauty. I fell into her hospital bed, and for the first time since I was a little girl, I curled up on her, and I wept. Healing was here. We wept with wordless groans that only the Holy Spirit understood, and I believe He immediately got to work sending up prayers on our behalf. The fallow ground of our hearts, the places where the enemy did his best to keep arid and dry for over 32 years, didn’t stand a chance. The flood gates opened with the sowing of our tears.
Satan, once again, you lose. What you meant for destruction, God is using for good.
Our surprise professional photo shoot Christmas present had to be rescheduled due to mom’s hospital time. It was more important than ever to capture my mother’s beauty prior to the official start of her battle with cancer.
As this photo was being taken my father began to whisper “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.” We all knew we were standing on holy ground.
Her last photo with her “old” hair. It was already beginning to fall out. She had told me “The next time you see me, I will probably look like dad.”
She is quite brave.
The last six weeks of my life have been filled with lots of tears and one healing miracle after another. This healing that is coming through suffering has been everything that I have prayed for, minus the suffering part. Some days when I prayed for restoration in my family, I didn’t even believe what I was praying. I just knew my Father says to me that nothing is off limits when I ask. Out of wild obedience and radical faith, I kept asking.
You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.- John 14:14
As of now, my mom is still diagnosed with cancer, but the healing I have seen in our relationship, in my parents relationship, and in our hearts has been a miracle. So there’s that. And nobody can take that away from me. I am sure God has “more” healing for us to experience in this. He will not hold back on me.
This is my season of greater.
So, Friends, I share this story with you for the following reasons:
But mostly, MOSTLY, I write this to you to assure you that God does his best, BEST healing work through suffering and pain. I hate it. I don’t like it. I wish there were another way.
He is not the author of pain and pain does not exist in His Kingdom. He allows it to come so He can be magnified, glorified and pointed to when it goes!
I wish it weren’t so, but the pain is not going anywhere. AND pain will not get the final say. I believe that my mom is going to be healed. I want it to be on this side of the Kingdom. Why else would God ask us to pray for: “Your Kingdom come, your will be done. On earth as it is in heaven.”? Why else would he commission us with power over sickness and disease? If we don’t use it, we will lose it. But not on my watch. I shall be shameless about healing.
“These signs will accompany those who have believed: in My name they will cast out demons, they will speak with new tongues; they will pick up serpents, and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them; they will lay hands on the sick, and they will recover.” Mark 16:17-18
I am going to wield my authority over sickness even if it costs me my dignity. Judge if you must.
This is how God is bringing His heaven into my earth. Stand back and let my King come through.
Welcome to my season of greater. Where love is greater than fear.