Tomorrow is the day. As I sit here, I am aware, more than ever, that tomorrow God rebuilds more ancient ruins. The fact that I am really sick has made the past few days difficult. A little harder (a lot harder) for me to trust. He wants to take me back very, very thin. For the past few months, I have been trying to envision what I will look like without my implants. They have been a part of me for so long. But the time has come. Time to turn in these crutches. They got me this far. But now, He’s asking for them back.
Just took my last shower. It’s funny how relational we are with our bodies. We can spend our days making peace with the parts that seem to work against us and caring for the parts that seem to work. I looked down at my form and said goodbye. I know nothing in me changes, but in 24 hours I will look down and see bandages, wounds, and fresh scars.
The death is real today. And the excitement is high, too. So many emotions.
I am counting on God to do immeasurably more than I can ask or imagine. I am believing I am going to feel a weight lifted off of me when I come out tomorrow. “Please, Father…remove the weight.”
I speak against the lie that I am becoming a “nothing special” woman. That I am becoming unattractive. This is not my own doing. He has slowly been undoing this, from the very first day I awoke from anesthesia 15 years ago.
Tomorrow He gets more of me. Tomorrow He takes more fear and gives me more of himself – more love.
There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. I want more of you, God. I must have more of you. At any cost. Give me more of you. – 1 John 4:18
I can’t say He asks this of all His daughters, I just know it’s what He is asking of me. I couldn’t negotiate my peace for one more day. There is something greater behind all of this. I believe it’s for a greater understanding of his nature and his love for me. This is how he loves me. Losing myself to find myself. Dying to the law of my flesh to live more in the Spirit.
He’s serious about not having us hold on to anything. Anything we say “you can’t have” becomes fair game. We must be careful about anything we want to hold onto.
Three things I plan to ask the doctor tomorrow…
1.) To pray with Simon and me before we go in.
2.) To play worship music over me in the operating room, if possible.
3.) To give me my implants as remembrance stones of what God has done.
Lord, may I be an offering for the generations to come, through me. That each of your daughters, born through my faith, would be women at rest. That they would not have to fight this battle from a place of fear, not for one more day. That they would know YOU want to fight their battles andy our banner over them is love. YOU do not make mistakes. May this be an offering, a turning point, the lynchpin in the history of time, that turns many women into Kingdom freedom-fighters fueled by grace.
Heal me, Father. Be my healer. Holy Spirit. Touch my body, heart, soul, and mind with your healing fire.