What I am about to share with you is one of the most revealing, honest, and personal parts of my story. But first, I must confess…I have some man-based fear. I fear that sharing this part of my story could be polarizing. The thought that the good seed of faith, hope, and love that God is planting here in His ministry of Revelation Wellness could be stolen by fear, shame, or guilt is almost too much for me to bear. I give Him praise and honor for doing Gospel community here, in this ministry, which can only come through His presence. It has always been my hope that EVERY BODY would know they belong in the love of God and that nobody is exempt from His love.
I fear that somebody may leave the table if I bare myself in this way. AND I have heard the Lord comfort me with His words of truth and grace: “Alisa, that is not your responsibility. You are responsible to me. I am responsible for your reputation. Live my word. Trust me with ALL of you.” He is responsible for my reputation, I am only responsible for my “Yes, Father, I will.”
Since living His word is WHAT we’re all about in this ministry, there’s no more getting around John 1:17:
“But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”
I am compelled to share this part of my story because…
1.) I want to be in the light with you and maintain honest, authentic community with you, and not sharing could easily be confused as me hiding in shame.
2.) God has done some amazing work IN me, and I want to shout his goodness from the rooftops. I want Him to be made famous!
3.) This part of my story has much to do with everything we are about at Revelation Wellness and it would be most freeing to just come out and share this with you, my family, friends, and community.
4.) I am certain…absolutely certain…that EVERY woman has fought, is fighting, or will fight this similar battle at some point in her life, and perhaps my story will help you battle well in the days ahead.
Over the next couple of weeks or so I will be sharing with you, my community, this part of my healing story and God’s glory. I welcome you to continue reading, but only if you can look to God right now and in your heart promise Him and promise yourself that you will not let fear, shame, guilt, condemnation, pride or judgment get a foothold in your life. We work faithfully here at Revelation Wellness to plant the seed of true love in hearts; the seed that blooms into peace, wholeness, and well-being. I refuse to let the enemy come in and boss us around. My story will not be everyone’s story. And there’s power in our testimony. So who am I to sit on my testimony and hide what God has done?
“They triumphed over him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.” – Revelation 12:11
Okay. Did you make your promise? Can we hold this holy tension together?
Okay…here I go.
Seventeen years ago I was a young, sad, and angry, newly-married woman, desperate to be loved.
Seventeen years ago Jesus found me. He came to me, lifted my head, and tenderly said, “Alisa, I love you. I have always loved you. Come follow me.”
Seventeen years ago I said yes and fell in love with Jesus.
Fifteen years ago I had breast implants put in.
Three weeks ago I had those same breast implants removed.
Don’t be that impressed or offended. I had nothing to do with making that decision. NOTHING in me was capable of making that decision. The love of God has been working, turning the soil, planting, and harvesting healing and wholeness in me for the past 17 years and this was his latest move. A few months ago it came to a new head.
Now keep in mind…when I had my implants put in, I was completely motivated by my brokenness.
I had lived most of my life immersed in the fitness world — a world that I was created to come alive in, yet with that came a lot of false ideas. I believed the lie that my body was not quite “there” yet. That no matter how hard I worked at it, I could not change this part of my body, so why not choose an act of self-improvement? I totally dragged Jesus into that plastic surgeon’s office 15 years ago. I really didn’t allow Him to have a say. I had convinced myself, and agreed with the world, that this was a good thing. Enhancing myself was going to bring me much peace, pleasure, and enjoyment for myself AND my husband…the one whose love I wanted the most, and didn’t think I had because of my own cloudy lens through which I looked at myself. So if it’s a good thing, why wouldn’t Jesus want this for me?
In the two short years between falling in love with Jesus and getting the implants, I was really hearing the Gospel message. Two Gospel concepts that stood out to this recovering religious heart were the concepts of love and freedom, not fear and rules. So since God loved me, that must mean I am free to choose something that I am sure will give me great pleasure. Heck, it’s not like I was going to become a stripper or anything. This was about a “healthy” self-love. Surely God didn’t have a problem with this decision? Grace abounds, right?
Even though I can clearly remember my conscience knocking loudly on the door of my heart the morning I had the implants put in, begging me not to do it, I did it anyway.
It seemed right and kind of felt wrong. And God’s grace and mercy covered me on the other side.
There was ONE caveat that the doctor mentioned prior to surgery, “You will need to have these implants replaced every 10 years or so. They don’t have a shelf life of forever.” Kind of like tires on a car, I thought to myself, they wear out.
That statement stuck with me. Always. But 10 years seemed like a LONG way away, and for the time being, I was happy with my decision. I woke from anesthesia in April of 2000 to a brand new me. Looking down, these two new bumps on top of my heart seemed to give me a sense of power and peace I had never known.
Fast forward through 15 years of falling deeper and deeper in love with who God.
Fifteen years filled with joy and suffering.
Fifteen years of Him loving me, calling me out of darkness and into His marvelous light.
Fifteen years of Him tugging, pulling, and uprooting things in my heart that simply never belonged there to begin with.
Fifteen years of joy.
Fifteen years of some deep and intense suffering.
I have always said this and will say it until the day I die…healing requires great, GREAT bravery. And since I know that God created me for the hard stuff, I never gave up on my growing, “Yes, God. I will.” Year after year, layer after layer, he kept stripping me of me. The me that is my own worst enemy and not so great for others around me either.